Instead Of Complaining In Your Relationship, Try This | Korea Artiz Studio
Complaining is the cheapest form of connection there is, and it’s one of the most surefire ways to relate to someone.
All I have to do is step outside my apartment door to get pulled into a negative conversation about the neighbours, the building, the management. At the grocery store, the person in front of me is complaining that someone’s going into the 10 items or less lane with 20 items.
Complaining is everywhere, and underneath it all is really just a need for human connection.
Joy and gratitude are vulnerable emotions to express. There’s no quicker way to get people to think you’re crazy than showing up to a meeting bright-eyed and excited or by opening with something chipper and cheery.
We’ve been trained to connect with each other around misery and problems and to act without thinking. We’re trained to turn to complaining for connection.
What do you do when complaints show up in your romantic relationships? It may feel tempting to ignore them, to check out and pretend to listen as your partner “goes off,” and just hope the problem goes away. Maybe they’ll handle it on their own…
The issue is that the problem isn’t just theirs, especially if the complaint is about something that’s coming up in the relationship. If you’re in a relationship that you’re committed to — one in which you want to create deeper connection and continue to show up for — ignoring the complaint is not the solution.
Checking out and being passive about complaints will not lead to increased connection, intimacy, or trust. Your partner will likely not feel taken care of and not feel they’re being heard and seen by you. A passive approach could end up unraveling the connection altogether.
No one is a mind reader, and it can be difficult to understand what’s really going on with your partner. Communication is key, and unless words are expressed that explain what’s going on, it’s impossible to really know what’s underneath the complaint and what action is needed to really move forward.
Here are some places to start.
Find The Desire
Underneath every complaint is a desire.
I hear a lot of pretty common complaints from my clients in my relationship coaching practice. “He plays too many video games,” “He forgot to include me in xyz,” and most recently, “He’s not making his vaccine appointment a priority and I had to schedule it for him.”
I instruct my clients that when these pesky complaints come up, to sit with themselves for a minute and slow down. They so often want to go straight to pointing the finger and make it about the other person’s behavior.
I ask them, “What’s your desire underneath this complaint?” Usually, it’s “Well, I want him to ask about my day before turning on his video games,” or “I want to feel like a priority in his life,” or “I want to make sure he’s vaccinated so he can spend time with my family.”
What all of those complaints have in common is that they share the common desire for connection. At the end of the day, these partners simply want to feel more connected in their relationships, to feel included, and to know they’re going to be able to have their people remain consistent in their lives.
Look For The Truth
When we search for desire and hit the truth lying beneath, the complaint often seems less scary. It feels more honest and like the situation is less charged. Finding the desire is finding the truth of the situation, and from that place, you can engage in a dialogue where the other person can actually feel connected to you instead of having to navigate a blame game.
Behind every complaint, there is someone’s desire and truth. Remember that complaining is information about how they really feel, and it can be a way for you to pick up some clues.
Complaints are ways of expressing that we feel victimized by life and shunning our responsibilities, and when someone commiserates with us about these things, they are validating that powerlessness. Women come to me and want to complain about their partners’ behavior and have me co-sign on the blaming, to jump right in and commiserate with them. They don’t always love when I turn the responsibility toward them instead and invite them to speak up and express their desire for connection and better communication with their partners directly.
When we’re complaining, a lot of the time, it’s the best way we know to ask for help. We’re looking for support in something we feel powerless over. “This thing is out of control and is having a negative impact on my life.”
Can you learn to listen more carefully to your own complaints and to those of your partner and others? What is it that you are hearing or what it is that they are really saying?
For example, if your partner is constantly nagging, saying, “You’re never home during the week,” what they’re really saying is that they feel victimized by your behavior and you’re not showing up the way they want you to.
This doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong or that it’s your fault — it’s simply a place to get curious about how they feel. It’s information. It’s what’s going on inside them.
Ask yourself what they’re saying they feel victimised by. If your partner is nagging you about watching too much television, playing video games, or spending too much time with friends, it’s a good indication they may be craving more attention and support than they are getting from you.
These situations have very easy solutions: You can invite your partner to have a conversation to renegotiate each other’s needs, or you can reflect on your own behavior and take a different action.
The truth is, you always have power, even if it doesn’t feel like it. When you hear yourself complaining, ask yourself, “What am I really saying I feel victimised by?” Or when you hear your partner complaining, check in and examine, “What might be underneath this complaint?”
Get curious; is there anything you can do to change this?
Let Your Partner Actually Feel You
A lot of times, we turn to complaining simply because it feels easier; it’s a way to get someone’s attention. Most people want to help and offer solutions and will potentially come in to help “save you.”
Complaining masks vulnerability, desire, and joy.
Joy is our most natural essence, yet so often, we avoid letting ourselves tap into it. Desire is where the power and electricity come from in our relationships, but it feels intense and vulnerable to lead with. When we’re vulnerable, we’re setting ourselves up to either be dropped, misunderstood, or rejected completely.
Connection and intimacy are felt experiences, and if we’re disconnected from our joy and desire, or we’re unwilling to be vulnerable, we’re not going to have the level of depth and fulfilment we’re seeking with each other.
I had a partner who was very sensitive to this. Anytime I got too far from my desire or joy or was withholding expression from him, he felt it. He’d say, “Molly, you feel very far right now, what’s going on?” I appreciated him taking a stand for this felt sense of connection he wanted to always have flowing in our relationship. It was a great lesson for me to stay close to my essence, to express myself no matter what, no matter how messy or awkward, and to trust that my partner would want to work through these spots with me.
Complaints are better expressed than not — I always say “better out than in” — but I also challenge you, like I do with clients, to see if you can remove a layer and tap into what’s really underneath. There’s likely a desire or spot of vulnerability that feels easier to express in the form of a complaint, but finding your truth first will lead to more intimacy faster.
Remember, at the end of the day, we’re all looking for connection. We’re wired for connection, we want to belong, we want to feel a part of something, we want to know we’re not alone. Complaining is one of the easiest ways to relate to each other but you can choose instead to be a source of permission for someone else to tap into their joy, desire, or gratitude. Let’s change the paradigm and lead with emotional intelligence and honesty and let others feel our real essence from the start.
About Artiz Studio:
Free from the influence of time & place, our portraits capture a moment that is timeless. This is our aim when capturing any photo. As a child, I was deeply moved when I saw a photo of my grandparents together, bathed in a soft red light. I can never forget the impression that photo left on me, it had a large impact on me and my photography. I wish for brides and grooms to have the same feelings that I experienced when they receive their portraits. The most beautiful moments of loving couples should be retained forever. — Founder Kim Yong Seon
Founded In Busan, Korea Since 2008, South Korea Network KBS Central Has Named Artiz As One Of The Leading Bridal Fashion Icon And Wedding Provider For Authentic Korean-Style Photography. Capturing Timeless Portraits For More Than 20 Million Couples Throughout The 45 Situated Studio Locations. Our Unique Background Setting Crafted By SBS Korea Landscape Designers Has Propelled Artiz Within The Ranks Of Luxury Wedding Photography Elites Throughout The World, Delivering World-Leading Standards And Services.
Ushering In Artiz Global Success Was The Expansion To Singapore’s Wedding Scene In 2017 And Has Been Crowned Unanimously As Singapore’s Largest Indoor Wedding Studio And Sole Provider For Authentic Korean-Style Wedding Photography.
Our Extensive Portfolio Of Over 200 A-List Celebrities Endorsements And Mutual Collaborative Shoots With Local Top-Tier Influencers And Media Publications Has Propelled Artiz Into The Ranks Of Singapore’s Wedding Elites. This Includes Jian Hao Tan (Frobes 30 Under 30, 2016) With His Now Wife Debbie Soon (Influencer), Jade Rasif (Rank #2 South East Asia DJ, 2020), Naomi Neo (Singapore’s Most Followed Female Influencer, 2020) As Well As LGBTQ Activism Shoot For Andee Chua And Hugo Lim (Youtuber Influencer, Runway Model And LGBTQ Activist)
Artiz Has Seen To Also Paved The Way For Luxury Wedding And Bridal Providers, Having Earned Featured Publications In Over 200 Global Media Channels Worldwide Such As ELLE, COSMOPOLITAN BRIDE, VOGUE & HERWORLD Singapore
Your Wedding Day Is One Of The Most Important Days In Everyone’s Life, And We Hope That It Would Be Captured In Every Detail. Artiz Promises A Distinctive Style & Fresh POV To Photography By Shooting Natural Expressions And Moments Of Each Bride & Groom , Which Leave Not Only A Memory But Also Touches The Soul. Our Timeless Glamour And Luxurious Ambience Has Earned Us The Reputation As The Premier Studio Where Stars Have Chosen To Express Their Love Story.
For sample photos and bridal reviews:
Website at: https://www.artizstudio.sg/
Make an appointment: https://artizstudio.page.link/SGmore/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/artizstudio.sg
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ArtizStudio.SG
Twitter: https://twitter.com/artizstudiosg/
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/artizstudioSG/
Tik Tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@artizstudio.sg/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/koreaartizstudio
